Facing Reality
by AshleeStar
Summary: C&M are facing tough issues..


This takes place in Season 10 somewhere around 1013....it's my first fic in AGES so please be gentle with me! I've had this idea for awhile and finally had the urge to write it tonight. I hope you like it.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them!  
  
Facing Reality  
  
"Hey Mon? I'm home." Chandler called out as he walked into the apartment he shared with his wife, briefcase and jacket in hand. "Sweetie, are you here?" He glanced around the room after hanging up his jacket, but didn't see any sign of her. Noticing the closed bathroom door, he decided not disturb her and instead went into the bedroom to change out of his work clothes and into something more comfortable.  
  
Not even five minutes later, he sauntered back into the living room wearing a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and plopped down onto the sofa, reaching for the remote control. He flipped through the channels for a few minutes and stopped when he reached Monica's favorite cooking show. "Hey babe, your show is on! I think he's actually making something edible tonight!" After receiving no response from the bathroom, he padded over to the door and knocked quietly. "Mon? Are you okay?" No reply. "Mon?" He asked, more concern evident in his voice. "Monica Geller, answer me! You're starting to freak me out! And I know you're in there...I can hear the water running in the sink!"  
  
A moment later, the door opened revealing Monica and her tear-stained cheeks. Fresh tears were already starting to fall as she looked up at him with sad eyes. His eyebrows furrowed, confused, but concerned about his upset wife. "What happened? What's wrong?" He placed one hand on her shoulder and the other gently wiped the tears from her face. She continued to sob as she reached out for him, wrapping her arms around his waist as she cried into his chest.   
  
"Babe, you're really scaring me here. You've gotta take a deep breath and tell me what's going on." He kissed the top of her head, willing to give her a moment to contain herself so she could talk to him. He slowly led her over to the sofa where they sat down, side by side, but arms still wrapped around one another.  
  
"It's so stupid. I don't even know why I'm crying." She finally choked out.  
  
"Mon," he said, lifting her chin so he could look into the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen, "It's obviously not stupid..you're crying. You're upset. Tell me what's wrong."  
  
She looked back down, not wanting to make direct eye contact with him. She really felt like a fool. She'd gotten her hopes up when she knew she shouldn't have. And when things hadn't gone her way, she'd totally lost it. "I...I thought I might be pregnant, Chandler."   
  
"You...what?" His heart rate sped up a little from the excitement of expectation, but he already knew the outcome of this. It was apparent she wasn't pregnant.  
  
Monica sighed heavily. "I...um...I'm late. It was stupid, I know. But I'm a week late. I thought 'What the hell...take a test.' I still had some left from when we were trying...so I took one. And while I waited for the result, I just....I got so excited thinking about it."  
  
"So it was negative?" Chandler confirmed and watched her wince as he said the words. He took her hands in his again and began to massage them gently. "I'm sorry, hon. I wish I'd been here."  
  
"Like I said, it was stupid of me to think I was pregnant. I'm never going to be and I might as well face that fact once and for all!"   
  
"Mon, it wasn't stupid. It could happen. Never say never." He tried to be and wanted to be positive for her. He hated seeing her like this. It was the first time he'd ever seen her break down since they'd found out they more than likely could never conceive a child together. He pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead. "I love you so much. And in a couple of months we're going to be parents! So it's okay that you're not pregnant now."  
  
Monica remained silent as she rested her head on his shoulder. Of the six years she and Chandler had been together, this had been the first time she'd ever thought she might be pregnant. She'd never been this close to the prospect of carrying a baby. It had made her sad and even angry when the test had been negative. She felt like the biggest failure, and in that moment realized she'd been avoiding facing these feelings since she had been told about her "inhospitable environment."  
  
"Mon?" Chandler's voice snapped her back into reality. "It is okay, right? I mean we're getting a baby in two months." He asked her again, this time his voice a little more shaky from nervousness. He was wary of hearing her answer. Monica had always been very cheerful and upbeat when it came to talking about the adoption. But now he wasn't so sure. Was she having second thoughts?  
  
She leaned back against the sofa, cautiously biting her lip. "Chandler, please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way."  
  
"Well don't tell me that you don't want to adopt the baby..." He stated as calmly as he could, but was quickly cut off by her interruption.  
  
"No, of course I still want to adopt the baby. But this is about our baby."  
  
"What are you talking about?" He was confused. She'd just told him the pregnancy test was negative. "What baby?"  
  
"The baby we'll never have." She sighed again, trying to hold back the tears long enough to lay her feelings out on the table once and for all. "Chandler, I feel really....I don't know, I guess the only word I can come up with is sad. I'm just really sad about this. 'This' being you and I not being able to have a child of our own. I know we've never really talked about it. It kind of went from us being told it wouldn't happen straight to us deciding to adopt. I don't think we've ever truly shared our feelings about it." Chandler nodded, wanting her to continue. She took his cue and kept going. "For me it's not just about getting a baby to raise. I mean, I'm happy we're getting that opportunity...believe me. But I'm talking about the other things...like experiencing being pregnant, you know? Like us going in for sonograms and hearing our child's heartbeat for the first time, feeling the baby kick...and you there holding my hand while I'm giving birth. And then us being able to see this little person everyday that looks like us and know that child was made from our love. I know it sounds corny, but that's what I dreamed about my whole life, Chandler. And it's hard knowing I'm never going to have that." She finally succumbed to the tears that had been threatening to fall during her entire speech. Chandler felt his own tears coming on as he pulled her close to him, understanding her feelings one hundred percent. He'd often felt the same way, but didn't want to upset Monica by talking to her about them. He was beginning to wish they'd had this conversation months ago. Maybe it would have made things easier...maybe not. Who knew if they'd ever be about to get past the baby they'd never have.  
  
"Mon, believe me...there is nothing I would want more than to be able to make a baby with you. You're just...you are so beautiful, and I would give anything...you know ever since we got married I always thought how cool it would be to have a daughter that looked exactly like you." Monica smiled through her tears, as he leaned in and softly kissed the tip of her nose.  
  
"I feel the same way. I would do anything to have a little version of you running around the house. I feel so guilty when I think about it. Erica is giving us her baby, yet all I can think about is how it's not the same. I know I'll love the baby...I will...I just can't help but think how unfair it is that we can't have our own baby. I feel so selfish."  
  
"Sometimes I wish you'd fallen in love with someone else. Someone you could have a baby with. Then you could have experienced all of those things you said. I hate being the person who's not able to give you the one thing you've always wanted."  
  
"Chandler I don't want to hear you ever say anything like that again!" Monica snapped at him seriously. "I love you. I fell in love with you a long time ago. And from that second I knew that I would only ever want to have your children. No one else's. I couldn't imagine having a baby with anyone but you. I wouldn't want to share that with anyone else."  
  
"I feel the same way. I'm sorry if what I said upset you. All I know is that I want you to be happy. I thought adoption would make you happy." He told her, starting to notice the talk was helping both of them to calm down a bit.  
  
"It does make me happy." She replied, a little apprehensively. "It does. I think its just going to take some time for me to accept this." Monica placed her head on his chest again, and they lay back together on the sofa. She listened to his heart beating for several minutes before she spoke again. "We sure did waste a lot of money on condoms back when we were first together." He laughed, along with her, as he placed a kiss on the top of her head and ran his fingers through her hair.   
  
"Yeah, guess we didn't need those, huh?"   
  
"If only we'd just been young and stupid and hadn't used protection, maybe we'd have child now." Monica replied sorrowfully, turning serious again.  
  
"Hey," Chandler responded, looking into her eyes again. "You can't think that way. We can't change anything that's happened." Monica diverted her gaze, knowing he was right. "Listen to me. I know it's hard, but everything happens for a reason. I really believe that."  
  
"I know. And I know you're right. I guess I keep thinking about all of the what if's." Monica met his eyes with her's again and leaned in for a quick, soft kiss. "I guess everything does happen for a reason. Just wish I knew what the reason for this is."  
  
"Hey, you know what I think you need?" He caressed the side of her face gently and tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear.  
  
Monica groaned, thinking she knew exactly what he was referring to. Chandler rolled his eyes in response. "No...not that. Well, not yet anyway. I think you need some triple chocolate brownie fudge ice cream."  
  
Monica's eyes lit up and she genuinely smiled for the first time since he'd gotten home that evening. "You know, that does sounds good. But we're all out!"  
  
"Then I'll just have to run to the market and get some."  
  
"You really don't have to. I'm enjoying just being here with you and cuddling. I like it when you hold me."  
  
Chandler smiled at her comment as he untangled his leg from her's and patted it gently as he stood up. "There is always time for cuddling. I'm going to run out and get your ice cream. I'll be back soon."  
  
"Fine...now I'm craving it anyway. Just hurry back." She leaned in for a kiss, and was surprised when Chandler met her lips with more passion than she had bargained for. She smiled broadly as he pulled back. "Definitely, hurry back."  
  
Chandler grinned as he finished tying his shoes, grabbed his jacket and was out the door. Monica sighed and snuggled, getting comfortable on the sofa with a blanket and attempting to move past what had happened earlier in the evening. She was still upset, even though talking to Chandler about it had helped a little. She was just so emotional over the test being negative. It was so final. It made her feel like she wasn't a real woman as silly as that sounded. She didn't know what she had done to deserve it. As she began to analyze the situation even more, the tears soon returned but luckily not to the point of sobbing this time. She was so caught up in her misery, she didn't hear Rachel enter the apartment.  
  
"Mon? Honey, what's the matter?" A concerned Rachel knelt down next to the sofa and placed her hand on Monica's knee. "Sweetie, what's happened? Did you and Chandler have a fight?" Rachel reached over across the coffee table and grabbed a box of tissue for her distraught friend.  
  
Monica took one and dabbed some of the tears from under her puffy eyes. She didn't know if she could handle telling the story again. But this was Rachel - her best friend - and she knew she would be there to support her through this.  
  
"Well, I thought I was pregnant. But I'm not. Of course the stupid test was negative." Monica abruptly got up from the sofa and made her way over towards the kitchen sink, where she threw the tissue into the trash can which was hidden underneath.  
  
Rachel swallowed hard. It was always difficult to see Monica crying or upset. And even more difficult when it involved the whole "baby thing," as Rachel referred to it. She just wished there was something she could do to help. But really listening to her friend was the only thing she could do. "I'm so sorry, honey. Really, I am. But hey! Look on the bright side... you're going to be a mommy so soon, and you'll have your own little baby to love and take care of. And you and Chandler and going to be so great. Everything is going to be okay. It's all gonna work out." She told her friend as optimistically as she could.  
  
"It's not the same, Rachel!" Monica exploded, as she threw the box of tissues across the room. "It's not the same...and it's not fair! It's so easy for you to say. You have a baby! You can have as many babies as you want! I can't even have one!" Rachel was stunned by the sudden outburst.   
  
"But Monica, I thought you were excited about adopting? I thought that's what you can Chandler wanted."  
  
"You think that's my first choice? Do you know what it's like to see you with Emma? To know I'm never going to have that? I'm never going to be pregnant Rachel or have a child of my own! Ever!"  
  
"Mon, I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt this way. Why didn't you tell me?" Rachel was on the verge of tears mostly because seeing Monica this upset was highly out of character and unusual. Monica was always the one in control...the stable one - the one you would seek out when you had a problem.  
  
"I thought I could handle it. I really did! It's just so hard knowing that you have what I've wanted my whole life. And something you didn't care if you had or not!" Monica spat her words out, a little more hateful than even she had intended. But her emotions had taken over, and there was no going back.  
  
Rachel looked on in shock, not believing what her best friend had just said. "How can you say that? Yeah maybe Emma wasn't planned, but I did want her. I always did! God Monica, she's your niece. She is mine and Ross' child! I think you need to calm down before you say something you're going to regret."  
  
"I just don't understand why unfit people can have children!" Monica continued, oblivious to Rachel's previous comment.  
  
"Monica..." Rachel sighed heavily, her anger evident. "You are obviously freaking out here...to like the millionth degree. And as someone who has known you for as long as I have, and as the mother of your niece, I'm going to do you a favor and forgive you. But I swear, you better stop talking right now. Because you're really starting to piss me off here."  
  
"All I'm saying is that you get a baby from a meaningless one-night stand with Ross. You're unstable in your career, you aren't even married! Hell, you and Ross aren't even together! And you get a baby. How is that fair?"  
  
"You know what Monica? I thought we were friends. I thought we could talk to each other rationally about everything. But I guess I was wrong! As far as I'm concerned, you can go to hell!" With that, Rachel stormed out of the apartment, now in her own frenzied state.  
  
Monica collapsed onto the sofa, already regretting her confrontation with Rachel. She felt like she was losing control of everything. She continued crying until she felt a pair of strong arms lift her up into a sitting position, and realized that it was Chandler who had returned home with the ice cream. "Monica, why are you upset again? What happened? I thought you were okay when I left."   
  
"I had a fight with Rachel." Monica sobbed.   
  
"What did she do??" He knew it must have been a bad fight for Monica to cry, but he would try to be fair. He hated taking sides when there were disagreements among the friends, but when his wife was upset, it was hard not to.  
  
Monica was at the point in her hysterics, that she was now hiccupping and couldn't get many words out. "It was...she didn't....it was...my...fault."  
  
Chandler sighed. "Tell me what happened."  
  
Monica took a deep breath, still trying to regain her composure. "I told her what happened. And then I just went crazy." She paused, before continuing. "I told her it upset me that she had a one-night stand and got Emma when she didn't even want a baby."  
  
Chandler's eyes went wide. "You WHAT? Monica, I can't believe you said that to her! What were you thinking?"  
  
"Oh great! Now you're going to gang up on me too?"  
  
"Monica, stop acting like a child. This is serious."  
  
"Oh, nice choice of words there, Chandler! Thanks!"  
  
Chandler ignored Monica's comment and continued with his own question. "What did Rachel say?"  
  
"She told me to go to hell." Monica looked away from Chandler, embarrassed by her actions and words towards Rachel. "Look, I already know I was totally out of line. But she just came over here at a really bad time."  
  
"Well that's when you tell her you need to be alone. You don't make her feel bad about what she has and you don't. You can't treat people that way!" Chandler paced around the room, obviously concerned and upset about the situation.   
  
"I know! God, Chandler, I'm sorry. I just...sometimes I am so jealous of her. I can't help how I feel."  
  
"Monica, that doesn't excuse your behavior. I've never seen you act this way before."  
  
"I know. I know." Monica deeply sighed again. "I don't know why I did it. But please...I need you Chandler. I really need you to be on my side here."  
  
Chandler looked up from pacing, noticing the concern in her eyes. "Mon, I'm always on your side. You know that. But Rachel is one of our best friends." He sighed as he walked over to the sofa and sat down next to Monica, looking at her seriously. "I need to know if you're going to be okay. I know you're upset tonight, and that's fine. I think we have both deserved a little time to come to terms with not being able to have a baby. But I'm worried about you. I've never seen you this upset. And quite honestly, it's scaring me."  
  
"I'm sorry I freaked you out. I think in time, I will be able to move past this. As long as I have you...I know I can get through anything. I just don't think I can handle you being mad at me right now."  
  
Chandler smiled slightly, as he encircled his arms around her, bringing her close to him for a hug. "Babe, I can't ever stay mad at you for long," he told her sincerely. "I wish I could change the way things are, but I can't. All I can do is tell you that I'm here for her...whenever you need to talk about these kinds of things. I think you just had all of this emotion and frustration building up inside of you for all of these months and you finally got them all out tonight."  
  
She closed her eyes and smiled, nodding against his chest. He had always understood her better than anyone else. "You're right. I love you so much, Chandler."  
  
"I love you too. And I think we need to sit down tomorrow and seriously discuss this adoption thing. I want to make sure it's what we both want and for the right reasons. And then we need to figure out how to fix things with Rachel." She looked up into his eyes, but he put his fingers to her mouth to stop her from speaking. "Let's wait until tomorrow. So we can start fresh. This night has been exhausting and all I want to do is go to sleep and hold you in my arms all night."  
  
Monica nodded in agreement, then kissed him softly on the lips as they stood up, fingers intertwined and headed silently for their bedroom.  
  
To be continued? What do you all think? It could go either way...it could be a stand alone...or I can write more if you want resolutions. Let me know..I'll do what the majority thinks! Please review. 


End file.
